Thomas is turning 5.
It has been 5 years since I was pregnant - no love lost there.
It has been 5 years since I last birthed a baby - his arrival was one of the highlights of my life.
It has been 5 of the hardest, saddest, joyful-est, fun-est, craziest, loudest, fastest years of my life.
I have realized that the birthday of my youngest child causes me to reflect in ways I don't when the older ones have a birthday. The advent of his birthday has taught me to number my days. And the days and weeks and months have gone by so quickly it brings tears to my eyes. I truly did not think this day would come. I talked about it like it would, told myself to treasure the small moments and tried as much as I could to wrap my brain around the notion that he would not stay small forever, for the sake of being as present in the moment as I could. But how do you prepare your mind's eye for a place it's never been before? How do you prepare your heart for emotions and experiences it's yet to encounter?
For each milestone, there is celebration and sadness:
Avengers and Jake cups have replaced sippy cups. Swords have replaced baby spoons.
The crib is loaned to a friend who had a surprise bonus baby.
Buckets of rocks and toy snakes and sticks have replaced rattles and teethers.
The 5 point harness carseat is stored on a shelf in a closet.
I don't have a single stroller. Not one.
His first team sport - tball - begins next month.
I can read a book at the pool while the 3 of them swim.
The oldest can watch the younger two while I go on a run. Alone.
After taking a decade to come to grips with God about the reality of the job He's given me as Mom, I see it slipping away within the next decade. It took my heart so long to be okay with the role He gave me, that I felt like I wasn't ready for, and didn't even think I wanted*, and once I finally understand and accept fully my responsibility, I find myself looking at 30 childless hours a week at my house wondering how all of my children are moving on. Lord willing, in the next decade we will be graduating our middle child from high school and taking Thomas who knows where around the county for who knows what activity. Kate will be finishing college if she goes, or will have been working or schooling somewhere out of our house for 4 years.
For me, Thomas's 5th birthday represents a final page turned at the end of a chapter. The story so far has been surprising and unexpected, with many trials and triumphs. And I want to keep reading, because the book so far has been awesome and I don't want to miss a moment. But I also know the end will be bittersweet, because these babes will go on to have stories without me in them. That's mostly exciting to me. The part that makes me hurt is only the wondering - did I do all that I could for them while they were with me? Did I make the most of each opportunity? Did I talk about Jesus enough? It's the tension that hurts. Because no, I didn't. Because I can't. But God, who loves them infinitely more than I, and entrusted them to me, will provide for all my weaknesses and failure and wounds and gaps.
When I was pregnant with Nancy, I remembering being so worried about her. Will she be healthy? What are the odds that we have two healthy baby girls? What will our struggles be? I was trying to bargain with God and set myself up for worst case scenario in the hopes that I would be pleasantly surprised. In my anxiety, my mother just simply spoke in and said, "I know you don't believe God can do this again. But He can. And He will."
He can, and He will. Ultimately, He will heal all wounds - even the ones I have inflicted. And He will dry all tears - even the ones I have caused. He is all my kids need - even if I weren't here with them, He is enough. He gives a hope and comfort that I can barely imitate, but am learning how to give. My kids, they make me better. For Jesus' sake.
*I know there are families that struggle with infertility and childlessness, and I am very sensitive to that reality. I have dear friends with the longing for children. But this is my story and the way God worked Himself into my life, so please give my 23-year-old self some grace.
