Reality

Reality: One paycheck since January 16.

Reality: Ryan will be working from home for 3 months.

Reality: We are okay, even if God asks us to do crazy things.

January 20th, Ryan called me from work and said that they company he works for has no money in the bank and will have to let 4 of their 6 remaining employees go and the remaining two (Ryan and one other) have a job "as long as they want it."  What that means is Ryan has a job but not a paycheck. Potential clients are being extra cautious and exceptionally slow in choosing to give anyone their business. He has continued to go into the office, and they have been feverishly pitching jobs to potential clients that all react very positively to the proposals, but everything is just hanging out there and are just waiting for something to break. 

I'm finally writing about this because, first of all, written words make it more real to me. Secondly, Ryan called from work today and said yes, no matter if they get 4 new jobs in this week, by March 2 they will be working out of their homes for 3 months. 3. Months. It's an effort to save on overhead, which I think is wise, and I am thankful for the councel they have been given and the discernment they have to take care of their employees. We've been talking about this possibility for a month, and Ryan has slowly been moving his stuff home from the office and parked his desk, a bookshelf and cabinet in our bedroom, but the reality that he will be working in our bedroom during the day while I am out in the living room with the girls doing our daily thing....I kind of felt like I fell into a big hole someone dug on the beach that I had seen from a distance earlier in my walk, but thought "oh, that's a ways away, I'll worry about it when I get closer to it" and BAM, hole. It just was closer and bigger than I thought it was going to be.  What are we going to do? How is this going to work? What will we have to change? How will the girls deal with it? How can we make it fun? How will I take it seriously, that he really does have work to do...even though the whole reason he's working from home is because there is no work?!? It will be summertime in 3 months! And in 3 months, will we finally have a steady paycheck?

At first I felt like I had to conjure up panic and despair, because that is what people do when news like this hits. That's what we've done in the past. After we decided it was silly to get worked up because that's what our flesh would do, we realized that God has really given us a supernatural ability to rest in Him. Don't be fooled, though. I did have one day of total despair and fear and brokenness and cried during a date at dinner the entire time (to the point I had to leave before the bill came, and Ryan said the waitress treated him like she was sure he served me divorce papers!). I have had days when I've been short with the girls because we've been so tired talking about all of our options and what we feel like God is leading us to do, and it's been difficult to lay down the money and our dreams and trust that God has a better idea of how to spend it. I think a some dirt and seeds for a vegetable garden is not an extravagant request, but I am having to lay it down at His feet and trust that He has a perfect plan for us and if a vegetable garden is part of it, that will come when He sees fit, not according to my timetable. That is, though a bit superficial, just one example of many things we are having to hold very loosely. 

And reality is, I am glad that Jesus is reality, and that He holds all reality in his hands.  He is not surprised that any of this is happening because he is so powerful and omnicient, and He also wants to give us good things  - I just have to keep reminding myself that those "good things" may not be the things on my list that I think qualify as good. 

One night Ryan and I were talking and remembering all the ways God has been faithful in the past to provide for us and how He will continue to do that for us now. The scary part is, God is faithful even if we don't get a paycheck for a long, long time. And He is faithful even if we think we need something right now, but don't receive it.  He is still faithful and still providing even if our bank account is in peril. Ryan's put his resume out there, had an interview that turned into nothing, and continues to seek and pray what we should be doing, but God just seems to keep saying "wait." When the entire course of our marriage has had the undercurrent of financial strain and stress, sometimes quiet and managable and other times overwhelming to the point of drowning, God is saying "wait" ?!?!? He really is crazy. And we are crazy, too, for being okay with His "wait".