I could just recap by doing that Facebook "My year in Posts" thing to get a snapshot of what went on in our home the past 12 months, but I think that would be an incomplete synopis. I didn't always post my angst, elation, boredom, frustration, brokenness, weakness....I said "always", not "sometimes". I definitely used The Face as a chance to vent a little. Fear not - this post not a vent. It may be considered a type of journaling, or retracing a timeline of events. I have a propensity to do this for 2 reasons:
1. I love a list. (thanks, Dad)
2. It helps me visualize what God has been up to in our home.
This visualization is good for me, because it helps put circumstances into perspective. I have a tendency to isolate situations and focus so much on the negative, but for every "negative", there was always God's grace quietly upholding us through the bad. For example:
WINTER: Ryan lost his job, while we were registered for Financial Peace University, but never once had to put anything on a credit card. When he was hired by EP exactly two months after he lost his job, we actually had more money in the bank that when he was employed!
SPRING: We had saved gift money to pay for our hospital bills during Thomas's arrival, but because of new premiums, didn't need that money for the hospital and instead were able to buy a new car in May after the transmission in Ryan's car died, just 10 days before Thomas was born. Born healthy, happy and so thankful for our little man.
SUMMER: Over the summer, work was more than I could handle, truly. So I hit my knees for discernment, compassion and focus as I juggled a new baby, changes in administration and recruiting over 100 volunteers. God provided in all areas, abundantly.
FALL: Kate has had a phenomenal school year, and her teacher is perfect for her. We went to Boone to visit Ryan's brother and family and had a great time, despite Thomas getting his first true cold and coughing most of each night while we shared a room with him. It seemed for every fun thing we planned, there was a not-fun thing to bookend it. A family trip to the lake was preceeded by strep throat, with a finale of a sinus infection and walking pneumonia. The entire month of November was spent on the phone with my OB, pediatrician and lactation concerning nursing issues with Thomas, which resulted in 2 antibiotics and a final decision to switch him to formula. Thanksgiving's appetizer was the stomach bug for both the girls and dessert was Thomas on meds for a lingering cough that made him a beast for 2 days. Ryan had more late nights at work than not, which all moms know is hard on everyone. Our Christmas, well, you can just see that here.
There is, of course, so much more; many more emotional, relational things that happened along with the physical. God has shown me many things:
1. The importance of community.
2. I still have it all wrong; I am seeking what He gives rather than craving who He is.
3. How weak I am, and how very strong He is.
In my isolation, mostly due to illnesses, I have a tendency to minimize what God can and is doing throughout the body of Christ. Knowing and hearing truth spoken from the hearts of friends and family reminds me that He is bigger than any trial I face, and also knows suffering himself because He sent His Son to endure trial perfectly.
I believe I posted a rant last year about the tension I was wrestling with that resulted from a difficult sequence of events in life. Not much has changed as far as the difficult sequence of events part, and I dare to say it's gotten harder. I have often find myself bargaining with God "If You'll just let this cup pass this time, I promise I'll ________ for You", pleading with Him, "please please I cannot take anymore!" or flat out telling Him, "listen here! I think You have given me more than I can handle - don't you see I'm on the edge here?!" Again, looking for what God can do for me rather than who He is.
A bent to assign blame or reason to things can exhaust me to the point of paralysis, even in daily tasks. When I am not in God's Word, constantly laying my questions and fears down and preaching truth to myself, I spend my day's energy on chasing an answer to "why?" or "why me?" This search always ends the same way: I do not have a right to know why, and God is in ultimate control. It exposes my weakness, and draws me to depend on Him.
Ryan and I have jokingly called 2010 "Murphy's Year", or the year of "Good Enough". I feel like nothing has been done completely, or well, from the laundry to relationships. What I am learning that our best is good enough and God is more than capable of upholding things despite our shortcomings.
What did you learn in 2010? I know many of you had a hard year, a humbling year, or a sad year. But where did you see God's grace, His love, His hand? There was not a single significant event for us this year that marked us, but rather a heat of circumstances that at times was too mundane to bear. Where did you find glory in the monotony?
"I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be."
Philippians 3:12
3 comments:
Great post Mols, here's to 2011, better than GOOD ENOUGH! Love you and the insights you provided!
Great post. Your paragraph that starts out "A bent to assign..." totally applies to me- except that I couldn't have worded it so perfectly:). July of 2010 was hideous for me- when I think about truly BAD, horrible days in my life, there aren't many, but of the ones I can think of, 2 of them were in this past July. Those were days when I told God that I had had enough, and that I was definitely at my limit- as if it was up to me to decide that. Now I can look back at that month and be so thankful for everyone God surrounded me with- my husband, family, friends, small group, etc. Happy 2011:).
Thanks, Molly. This was great for me to read. Yeah, that "change in administration" was tough, and good for us. Like you, I minimize God and rely on myself.
For the past few months, Joanna and I have repeated said, "We are trusting God AND learning to trust God at the same time."
Thankful for you and Ryan's friendship!
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