To Share

I read this today and had to share. She shares, very beautifully and humbly, what dependence has looked like for her. It looks different for all God's people, the how. But the why is always the same.

When It All Came to a Headful of Lice

I have given you fair warning. It's in the title. So if you don't want to hear about it, move on. 

Summertime is most inconveniently the busiest time for me and my job. I say inconvenient, because my usual 8-10 hours a week jumps up to 20 on average for at least 6 to 8 weeks. Remember, it's summertime. The kids are home. There is no routine save for the one I create. I become a Camp Councelor Extraordinaire. When a good friend told me that there was a nearby church having a daytime VBS the last week in July, my heart started singing. I could send the girls for the morning and work! I would have 10 to 14 hours of work under my belt before we left for the beach! Truly, I thought, this was God's provision.

Until Monday afternoon, when I found one of the girls with a head full of lice. How did I know? Her hair was in a ponytail, and there were those nasty red bumps behind her ear, bug bites. My heart's song stopped. I knew what it was. Knew I didn't really need to look to make sure. Knew my entire plan just got flipped upside down. Flipped upside down, kicked around and spit on. 

13 bags of linens, stuffed animals, clothes and pillows that spent 2 weeks in our attic to kill any lice not sucked up by the vacuum cleaner or dried in the drier.

I called a close friend for help and ran outside so the girls wouldn't hear the details of the plan of action, or hear my desperation. My dear friend went straight to my heart, not my circumstance, and said "this is not the worst thing to happen to you." Her words of truth immediately calmed the growing anxiety in my heart. I had not yet lost it, because I  had not yet understood how utterly exhausted and stripped I would be from this ordeal. But she knew. Because she had done it once. And remembers how hard it is. And was willing to share how it doesn't have to be so hard.

This post is not really about our head lice ordeal (which 3 of 5 of us had). The head lice was the beginning of yet another time period where God forced my dependence on Him through seemingly random, uncontrollable and boringly normal circumstances. For 7 weeks, the predictable suburban life was more than I could bear: 16 days of lice inspecting. Packing for the beach for 8 days, with in-laws as an audience to watch the continued lice checks. Sick toddler at beach, prescribed steroids for wheezing, who we got to share a room with (read: no sleep). Working during vacation. School starting. Hit a parked car. Ryan clocking 60 to 80 hours a week at the office. Sick kids and parents. Blown tire. $750 for car and tires. $250 in medical expenses. 

At some point, more than once, I finally did lose it. Sobbed those big, ugly, selfish, angry, hot, "why me??!" tears. You've never done that? Then I may not understand you at all. The most painful thing was not dealing with the happening, but the battle I was having against my flesh. All this junk, it's life. It will happen. But because of Jesus, I have a choice to make. I can choose to be gracious to my family, patient in all affliction, and persevere. But the choosing, oh my word. It is the most exhausting part of all. At times I felt a physical pain in choosing to do what Jesus died for me to be able to do over what I wanted to do. Which was throw things and scream. 

Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost for His Highest, "if we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are."

Why? Why now?

He answers, dependence. Complete and inexusable.

Aren't I?

Never enough. You can always rely on me more.

How??

Stop looking for the why. Spend that energy in fellowship and oneness with Me. The why has already been answered. 

In a sermon on July 30, I heard "pride puts God and me on opposite teams; He's an opponent, He is not for me. God is involved in my undoing because He is so personally offended by my pride." I Peter 5:6 calls me to humble myself. It is my responsibility to humble myself. Asking God "Why me?" is not a question coming from a humble heart. Essentially, I am telling God "how dare you!" Like Eve, my default mode is operating under the dangerous premise that God might be withholding something from me (Williams). And like He has shown me, I know the answer to "why?": dependence. 

Having children was the beginning of the end of me. My undoing. For God's glory. Not that the actual children themselves are my undoing; but the event of bringing them into our homes as part of our family marked the beginning of the journey of my undoing. Much to my surprise, God uses the mundane to put me in situations that are excruciatingly normal in order for me to persevere. In order for me to long for Him. In order for me to long for the world beyond here. And to long to tell others that they have a choice, too. He is only limited by our trying to do his will our way, in our flesh (Clarkson, p. 209). 

One of my dear friends lives far away in SE Asia. She is doing this mundane thing, but in a completely foreign land. Her hard is multiplied 1000x by the crazy, nonsensical-ness of an ancient, confusing culture. Her words to describe working out the ugliness of our flesh in everyday happenings are beautiful and encouraging. I have preached the truth in her words to myself daily: "There were a few days I was begging and waiting on those new mercies, and they weren't coming. But, the biggest mercy and the biggest grace was that I knew they would come!!!!" 

"Sometimes, He required more of me than I was capable of giving, but He gave me more than I could ever have dreamed." (Clarkson)

That was heavy. So here are some cute pictures:

Making beach cupcakes with Mimi.

 The 1 hour T was actually happy on the beach all week. 

Such a performer. 

What T was like 99% of the week.

Rice Paddy plank. 

10 year anniversary dinner date.

Being bears at Atalaya castle, home of the Huntingtons. 

It was humid. T's hair is our barometer.

A deer? A bear?

Another lice treatment. 

Please Stay 4....

Overheard in van today:

K: "Did you know the praying mantis girls eat the praying mantis boys?"

N: "I SAW a praying mantis at our friends' house! But it didn't have a big belly. It was like a green stick. Yeah, that praying mantis was a boy. Because I didn't see any eyelashes on him."

Comment on a very quiet passing of gas:

N: "Welp, that wasn't a real poot. That was a whisper poot." 

A Weekend With Friends

We went to Charlotte a few weekends ago to visit our friends the Kulps. (actually, since I am finishing this post in September, it was now 2 months ago. To the day.) We love them and love their girls. Mary came in November last year to meet Thomas and the girls had a great time playing and discovering their likes and dislikes. This photo sums up the trip, and the personalities:

This summer was a quick trip, but Ryan was able to join us, and we were even there on a weekend that Dave was preaching. I am very thankful for the opportunity to have seen him preach in several different churches and life stages, especially in light of the journey that God has taken the Kulps on in their marriage. When Mary and I became friends the Fall of 1997, I would have never guessed our kids would be pen pals and playmates. I am, again, thankful for such a gift in her and her family. 

Camilla and Nancy. Nan's trying to help Camilla be brave to get in the fountains.

Bennett. 

Big girls painting.

Littles play-doughing. Mary has come a loooooong way with this play-doh thing.

Frat Hair

One of our friends told Thomas he has frat hair. This of course sent my imagination careening into a time warp where T is a grown college man in chinos and flip flops with books, no wait! girls on his arms, and it's 11:00pm! and he's just now leaving to go to that party?? Does your mother know what you are doing, young man!? 

Have mercy. This boy may be the one that does me in. In the meantime, the hair stays. You wouldn't cut this mop, would you?

Morning frat hair.

After bath frat hair.

 High humidity frat hair.

 Slept-on-my-face frat hair.

The Best Birthday Ever

She told me, as we were leaving the American Girl Store in Atlanta. "And I mean it this time, mom." Kate was born on our 2nd anniversary. We exchanged anniversary gifts at 1 AM, before leaving for the hospital. While walking around the house timing contractions that were 5-6 minutes apart, my husband surprised me with a 20 degree mummy sleeping bag, I passed along a long-coveted walking pole-slash-monopod camera mount. We thought we'd take our children camping. It was not long after this picture was taken....

 ....that I realized our expectations for our family were to completely change. The kind of parents we wanted to be versus the kind of parents we were actually going to be, well, the disconnect was huge then. You couldn't have convinced me that roughly 8 years later this tiny baby would be 8, going into 3rd grade and hopping in our minivan to join me on a day trip to the American Girl Store. 

 A pile of Dunkin Donuts was her "cake"

 We have arrived!

 Posing by the new dolls coming out later in the month. and holding the price list for both....

 There may not have been a place to hang my pocketbook, but there was certainly a special spot for any American Doll that accompanied her friend to the restroom.

 Grace, hanging out by the toilet seat covers.

 A very pink bathroom

Grace had her own seat, crown and....

...teacup and saucer.

 mini hot dog and hamburger. 

 our new addition, Chocolate Chip.

 Grace headed out from a long but satisfying day of shopping.

 Asleep

Not asleep. And present. Kate did not go by herself.

Happy Burns Day 2011 to Us!

We Be Trippin'

It seemed perfectly logical, when our friends the Espinosas moved, to plan a trip to visit them in their new town. It seemed almost normal to plan meals, talk with Joanna about sleeping arrangements, and even to fill out our volunteer applications for the Boys & Girls Club of Allendale. But the normal stopped when we arrived at 8:30am at the church, loaded 11 kids and 4 moms in 2 vans, and actually made the trip we had been talking about and planning for weeks. When I would tell people outside of Grace or our circle of friends we were going to Allendale, the reaction was always similar: "Oh, neat. Where?" You can read more about what Grace Church is doing with members of the Allendale Community here, and you can catch up on the Espinosa's story here.

Funny favorites:

1. Nancy standing in a room with only 4 other people, high school or college age, playing her favorite game "raise your hand if you like _______." And they actually played along.

2. That Marvin Love could hardly believe that all the 11 kids we brought were ours and ours alone, not kids from other families as well. You should have seen his eyes bug out when we told him we left 3 children behind in Greenville.

3. We saw a camel in someone's front yard right outside of Denmark, which was right down the road from Norway. Which is just northeast of North, South Carolina.

Awesome favorites:

1. Having the opportunity to see Joey, Joanna and the kids in their new environment. Friends, routine, house, all of it.

2. Having the opportunity to see Joey and Joanna serve together, as a team, united for a cause. They are amazing, and I am blessed to call them friends.
3. Sitting outside with friends late Tuesday night, waiting for the kids to go to sleep. Because it was cooler outside, and because we needed to decompress. We see each other at our worst sometimes, this trip no exception, and it was great to see the good, bad and funny and talk it all out.

3. Being uncomfortable, albeit very briefly, with my kids there to see it. Being out of my zone, my monotony, so to speak. I want more of that kind of experience with my family.

Our adventure with the Keevers, Taylors and Mozingos was one that I hope my kids will always remember. I hope the Espinosas and their kids enjoyed our visit and it wasn't too much for them. Something tells me that 11 extra kids wasn't that big of a dent to their routine. I'm already scheming ways to get back down there again, this time with Ryan.

 In Allendale, they ride golf carts in their yards for fun. 

 Singing in fans never gets old. To the kids.

 Sleepover. Guess which one was the last to go to sleep out of all 11?

Yep. This one.

 Who doesn't love a gluten free birthday cookie cake for breakfast?

 So sweet, singing Happy Birthday in pjs.

 Nancy and friend being read to at the B & G Club.

 Teaming up for kickball

 Molly, er, Kate on the Left. Kelly, I mean Harper, on right. And Sender, making an Elvis face.